The Curious Incident of the Cows

"Meat is Murder" a classic tune and Morrissey had a profound effect on Country Girl who, as you know, is a dedicated follower of lentil chomping. Recently however Country Girl has come to question whether there are some animals that deserve a good roasting.

Pray why? I hear you cry - what could have happened to dear Country Girl to make such evil thoughts cross her innocent little fluffy mind. To explain dear friends I must explain the Curious Incident of the Cows.

Country Boy's father has an orchard which requires regular mowing and as he has not yet identified a suitably fun mowing method (he's thinking quad bike plus attachment - OMG quadruple the life insurance) the current method involves cows. Not his cows of course , borrowed cows from a local farming type. Last year Country Girl loved the cows, and the cows loved Country Girl and indeed I fully expected a fluffy, furry love in again this year. As you will see that little dream was to crash and burn.

I suppose to be fair I was warned, or rather not warned just given a vague hint by Pappa Country Boy. Something about, if the cows come after the dog let her off the lead and something about a stampede in Scotland of mad cows. Country girl had dim recollections of the details , yes it was Sunday lunch and yes sherry was involved.

And so it came to pass, last week Country Girl and thankfully as it transpires Country Boy wandering with Scruffbag across the orchard.

No cows it seemed,must be in the Little Orchard we thought. That it transpires is what they wanted us to think.

Country boy had wandered off to pick some plums , men and their plums what can I say. Leaving Country Girl to wander prosaically amongst the trees. (Country girl doesn't really wander prosaically, a little artistc licence here).

Then suddenly a ginger blur shot forward Scruffbag running like a greyhound on speed. (there's def some lurcher in her somehwere) pursued by a cow.

Country girl chortled (bad dog mummy.) But the chortling stopped when she glanced round to discover that the whole cow family of about 20 stroppy adolescents were stalking Scruffbag and by proxy country girl. Stalking i tell you, it was all quite sinister. They had a scary glint in their eyes and they were descending quicker and quicker in my direction. Country girl started to move quicker and quicker and so did the cows, holy heaven it was like some scene out of Benny Hill. Poor country girl relentlessly pursued.

It was at that point that a most un country girl like noise was expelled. A sort of shriek to Country Boy. It was all very Penelope Pitstop ("Hayulp, Hayulp"). Thankfully Country Boy sprung Superman like into action, waving and shouting at the cows to save his fair Princess Country Girl, who got quite doe eyed. Knight in shining rugby shirt those cows retreated sharpish to chomp some grass. (Yeah right and probably plot world domination I reckon).

"They're more frightened of you, just have to show them whose in charge" said Country Boy. The exchange after or rather ranting from Country girl was something like the following.

"More frightened off me? Where the *bleep* did he get that bunch from *bleeping bleep* psychos? That lot, should have *bleeping* ASBO's. They nearly killed my dog *bleeping bleeps*"

and then to the cows, yes the actual cows and yes I know they don't understand me.

"Stuff vegetarianism, you'se lot should be straight off to slaughter. I don't even eat you but I might make a *bleeping* exception *bleepers*" (Country Girl always goes more Manc in times of crisis so imagine accent acordingly)

And the cheek of them they mooed.

Country boy knew better than to laugh loudly but there was guffawing as I was escorted to the safety of the house. Humph reckon those devils have wire cutters and a plot to get through the leccy fence myself so don't reckon on safety for long.

The tale was duly recounted to Pappy and Mommy Country Boy who did what they always do in a crisis. You guessed it open the sherry.

PS. the photo is not of the actual cows, country girl didn't quite have the strength to photograph as she did her girly terror run.